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Divorce: Protecting Your Kids from the Pain

A divorce can be a nightmare for everyone – and because it’s so agonizing for the couples going through it, it’s easy to forget how devastating it is for the children.  But you can’t let yourself forget – because the children’s wellbeing depends on their parents’ sensitivity and support.  This program follows real families as they work their way through the challenges of the breakup  And it focuses on the realistic and workable steps parents can take to protect their children from emotional upheaval – even while the parents are struggling to deal with their own inevitable anger and emotional turmoil.  Learn from the leading divorce experts, and from the people who have lived through this and come out the other side, how to guide your children through the breakup, the transition to a new family structure – and even the challenges of creating a new and more complex family in the future.

Guests:

Judith Wallerstein, PhD - Founder, Judith Wallerstein Center for the Family in Transition; Senior Lecturer Emerita at The School of Social Welfare, University of California at Berkeley; published in medical periodicals, and author of many books including, What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During and After Divorce and The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study
Joseph Simonetti, CSW - Divorce Mediator and Counselor in private practice
Jann Blackstone-Ford, MA - Founder, Bonus Families; Divorce Mediator; Author of
Ex-Etiquette for Parents
Melanie Ford (age 24); Harleigh Ford (age 14) - Jann Blackstone-Ford’s children
Sharyl Jupe - Divorced Mom and Co-Founder of Bonus Families
Bob Stien - Dads’ Support Group Leader
Charlotte & Tom Bloom - divorced parents of two children
Samantha (age 12) and Michelle (age 9) - Charlotte and Tom’s children  

Tips:

Divorce: When and how to tell your child that you’ll be getting divorced

  • Tell them before it happens, and definitely before either parent moves out: 
  • Tell them with both parents present
  • 5-7 days for young “school-age” / elementary-school kids
  • Several weeks or a month before for teens


After a Divorce: What Are Children’s Reactions Likely To Be?

  • PRESCHOOLERS:
    -     Worry about their care
    - Have trouble sleeping
  • AGES 6 –8
    - Display Sadness
  • AGES 9 - 12
    - Display Anger, Acting Out
  • TEENS
    - Worry about their own future relationships, since Dad and Mom’s relationship wasn’t successful
    - May engage in risky behavior, including risky sexual behavior, particularly if they find out that a parent was having an affair

How To Handle Your Kids Before, During and After a Divorce:

  • Reassure your child they will be safe and loved.
  • Try to maintain as positive an attitude as you realistically can, to reassure them and avoid causing them extra pain
  • Most importantly, don’t put your burdens on them. 
  • Their most important goal is not to be caught in the middle.  Putting them in the middle of disputes and antagonisms between mom and dad will only increase their stress level. 
  • Remember that your problems with your spouse are YOUR problems; making them into your kids' problems as well will simply make things harder for the kids at a time when they need all the help they can get. 
  • Of course you’re going to be angry – almost no one can go through a divorce without being angry, regardless of what any well-meaning advisors tell you.  The trick is not to lay that burden of anger on the children. 
  • To the extent possible, try to work with your spouse to present a united and supportive front to the children when it comes to THEIR well-being. 
  • Make it clear that even though Mom and Dad may have serious problems between them, they remain united in their determination to take care of their children’s well-being

Resources:

Website:
Bonus Families: http://www.bonusfamilies.com/

Books: 
What About the Kids?  by Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D.
Ex-Etiquette for Parents by Jann Blackstone-Ford